Confidence

I have lost my confidence.

It is amazing how that can happen. One moment I was on the move, ready to attempt new challenges and solve new problems, the next moment my world stopped turning. It only stopped for a heartbeat, but it was long enough. I am different now.

Today I boarded the Metro heading for Connaught Place. The train ride felt different. My awareness had shifted from calm curiosity of my surroundings to vigilance. I felt as though I was guarding myself. Even as this was happening I was aware of it. I knew that the only thing that has changed in this world is me. The pickpockets had always been there, somewhere distant in my mind. They were always a threat lurking somewhere else. Today on the metro they were all around me. I hated it.

So I made a decision. I decided to control how I was going to change. I made the decision to not feel like a victim. I need my confidence. It is what allows me to travel and not feel overburdened. It helps me sleep in cheap motels with cheap fluorescent lights. It lets me hop into a taxi with a driver I do not know who speaks a language I do not know going to a place I have never been. I love my confidence.

So I am going to keep it. And I am going to make keeping it one of my daily decisions. I am going to wake up every day and remind myself to keep my cool, and remain confident until I don't have to remember it anymore. Soon it will just become a part of me. This incident will be a distant memory, just one more lesson I have learned while traveling. And as with everything else that happens to me, it is going to be one of my stories. Those stories I love to tell so much.